Old Snape has a new job

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: Chapter 8

In the interest of not burying the lead (newspaper lingo), Snape will be teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts.

Is it too late to register? I hope there's not a waitlist.

Take it this year if you want Snape, because hanging on to this job is as impossible as trying to cast a spell without a wand. Let's review previous DADA professors:

• Sorcerer's Stone, Professor Quirrell: That guy was so two-faced.
• Chamber of Secrets, Gilderoy Lockhart: GilLo is still giving out autographs.
• Prisoner of Azkaban, Remus Lupin: Dude was a werewolf.
• Goblet of Fire, Mad-Eye Moody/Barty Crouch Jr.: This was a train wreck in so many ways.
• Order of the Phoenix, Dolores Umbridge: The High Instigator. Enough said.

This was certainly big and surprising news at the year-opening feast. If they all only knew about Snape's meeting a few chapters back with Death Eaters. But as you know from Chapter 2 I think Snape is on the Dumbledore side of magic.

Harry, however, will dread every time he walks into Snape's classroom. If Snape becomes a hero or martyr for the good guys, will Harry's opinion change? Of course, if Snape is a truly dark dude, Harry won't be surprised. He might even feel vindicated.

In the continuing trend of open communication lines, Harry tells Ron what happened to him in the Slytherin car. And Ron again has an adult conversation. As much as things stay the same -- escape from the Dursleys, catching the train to school, Harry finding trouble, Malfoy being Malfoy -- the more they change.

Clueless people

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: Chapter 9

Wizards being scared by other wizards in a muggle campground. Is no safe place anymore.

What these magic folk need is a wizard who can truly do battle with the dark arts on a large scale. Not some dimwit like Gilderoy Lockhart or one like Lupin who can't gain trust because he's a werewolf.

Somebody's got to rise up and take the bad guys' wands and snap them over his knee. Obviously, no one like that exists yet or they wouldn't be so scared by the Dark Mark and clueless what to do about it.

Someone needs to infiltrate Voldemort's ranks or call him out into the street for a showdown ... wand against wand.

All these Ministry of Magic dudes seem like political appointments. When real problems come along all they point are their fingers at pathetic house elves.

After a night in the woods that makes headlines, only Harry might have a clue. His burning scar, then the Dark Mark appearance. Harry ponders: What did these things mean?

Indeed, what do they mean.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: Chapter 10

Like I said, nobody knows what to do. Mr. Weasley said he's just putting out fires. No doubt that's what everybody else is doing. The ministry is in damage control mode.

These magical people do have some of the coolest ways though. Talking to a head floating in a fire has just been added to my bucket list.

Harry is on top of things, which I would expect because his name is in the title of every book. Goofy old Telawney's prediction that Voldemort would rise up more powerful than before certainly has Harry's attention.

Harry is hoping for answers from Sirius, but whatever it is will only be something to help in the next step. There is no magic answer to the problem of Voldemort. It's like how one clue leads to another clue in "National Treasure."

In answer to what I said in Chapter 9 above, form a committee of Harry, Sirius, Dumbledore, Ron, Hermione and maybe even Mr. Weasley. And send a spy.

Is any place safe?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: Chapter 8

The chapter opens with Malfoy's critique of Lupin's fashion sense, and if we hadn't figured it out yet, we see Malfoy's upside-down view of people. It's a view he no doubt learned from his arrogant father. But enough about Malfoy. He's hardly worth the breath.

Speaking of irritants, what about this Crookshanks creature. I'm not sure why anyone would want a good-for-nothing rat, but I'm with Ron on this one. Twice Ron calls it "that cat." I understand the sentiment. When Hermione defends the cat attack by saying, "Crookshanks doesn't understand it's wrong!" she displays a naive notion for the first time since she thought Lockhart knew what he was doing. That cat knows it's wrong. I know these things. I can't talk with them like Harry talks with snakes, but you can see it in their eyes and by the way they swish their tail. They know all right.

OK, OK, enough about cats.

The real question in this chapter is what became of the Fat Lady. It's never over till she sings, so she must be somewhere.

Is Peeves telling the truth about Sirius Black? He doesn't seem above lying, but I'm sure if he had news like this he would delight in telling Dumbledore.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: Chapter 9

The subject of werewolves keeps coming up. Harry saw something dog-like just before the Knight Bus arrived. He saw something like it in the stands just before falling off his broom.

Astronomers know Sirius as the Dog Star in the constellation Canis Major. It is the brightest star in the heavens. Not sure if that relates at all, but names can mean things.

So poor Wood suffers a Quidditch loss, poor Harry ends up in the infirmary again and Harry's Nimbus 2000 is reduced to firewood.

The questions are mounting and adding to the confusion. Where is Sirius Black? Is Harry seeing a werewolf? What role does Lupin play?

And how soon before Crookshanks catches up to Scabbers?

More clarity is good

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: The movie

No extended version this time. I was informed that one exists, and it's not that we don't have it, it's that we don't have it yet.

Because I am reading the books one after another things tend to run together, but this movie seemed easier to follow than the first.

I do like how the moviemakers jazz up some of the action scenes. When Vernon fell from Harry's window into the bushes, I LOL'd. The ride to Hogwarts in the car was far more death-defying. Harry hanging from the door called for something magical to happen, but Ron gets credit for the save. And the Mandrakes were larger and uglier than I imagined.

Jason Isaacs as Lucius Malfoy was perfectly cast. He can sure play the evil character. He was awful in "The Patriot," and I'm told he's a great Captain Hook in "Peter Pan." I haven't watched that yet.

Lockhart in real life was just as phony as he was in print. Well played.

Dobby, well Dobby, was annoying as he should be. I would think Malfoy would be glad to be rid of him, but he probably enjoyed having someone else to be mean to.

Finally, the killer snake was about what I expected. But when Harry heard the voice it was difficult to understand. The English accents are difficult enough at times. But at least there aren't talking cats. That would give me shivers.

Breaking free

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: Chapter 1

Into the third book already and remembering that the summer always go too fast unless your name is Harry Potter. On Privet Drive, every day is like a thousand.

Even if Ron trying to telephone Harry is about as successful as Lockhart trying to cast a spell, at least there is mail and a trusty owl to deliver it. And at least Harry got some birthday presents this year.

Will he get the permission slip signed? I have read the next chapter, so I know the answer. But I didn't have to turn the page to know there was a fat chance of Vernon scribbling his name for Harry. I'm sure Harry will have some sneaking around to do under his cloak when his friends are in Hogsmeade.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: Chapter 2

Thankfully, I never had an aunt like Aunt Marge. Aunts, like mothers-in-law seem to get picked on a lot in books and movies. They're not all bad.

But this one? Oh, she's definitely related to the Dursleys. She wears the same blinders when looking at Dudley and Harry.

I hope Harry learns that blackmail never works. I know it seems impossible to expect any kindness from the Dursleys minus coercion, but it always falls apart.

You might say it blew up in his face.

Another happy ending

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: Chapter 17

This book has been a lot like an NBA game for me. The first three quarters are played to get to the fourth. That's when - if it's going to get exciting - it gets exciting. Maybe it's because it was the second book and the novelty is wearing off or maybe it just moved more slowly and cryptically than the first, but the payoff at the end was worth it. I found myself reading faster than usual.

So I guess from now on I will always suspect that Voldemort/Quirrell/Riddle/????? is behind whatever threatens to close Hogwarts, threatens Harry or anyone close to him, threatens any student or just generally causes mayhem of any sort.

Voldemort's problem is his cockiness. How many times have we seen it in movies when the villian wants to make his prey suffer and delays the deed. Goldfinger could've shot Bond, but he had to elaborately try and kill him with some kind of laser-beam thing. "Do you expect me talk?" asks OO7. "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die." And Goldfinger walks out of the room and Bond escapes. The Dynamic Duo did this all the time. It is a fatal flaw for fictional felons. It's not enough for them to kill. They have to make you suffer.

So the Dark Lord (don't get confused with Star Wars here) is revealed to be a former Head Boy at Hogwarts aptly named Riddle, the heir of Slytherin and once again inept at killing his nemesis. When it comes to killing Harry, Voldemort is as inept as GilLo.

BTW, did I laugh when Professor Gilderoy Lockhart de-memorized himself? LOL, for sure on that one. Now he can't take credit for making the school a Voldemort-free zone. Excellent.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: Chapter 18

This chapter could've been anticlimactic, but after the Weasley reunion and the usual Dumbledore debriefing and the Hagrid homecoming, we get to see Lucius Malfoy taken down a few notches on his self-importance scale. I think he's trying to make up for not being the heir.

When Harry tricks Malfoy into freeing Dobby, he displays a more observant side to go with his resourcefulness and bravery.

It is nice to know that Dobby really was trying to help Harry. He's no Phoenix, that's for sure, but maybe he will be of more use in the future.

I would tell Harry to enjoy his summer, but that won't be easy where he's headed. Maybe being a Prisoner of Privet will prepare him for the Prisoner of Azkaban.

The boys are on their own

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: Chapter 14

Too bad Hermione didn't take time to tell Harry and Ron what she had just figured out before running off to the library and getting herself petrified. It's not like her to not share her knowledge.

The mirror that was found must mean something, but what about a voice that only Harry can hear. We already know Harry hears snakes, and as far as we know no one else in Hogwarts has that ability. Maybe a snake has something to do with this. It would make sense, so I'm probably wrong.

The invisibility cloak sure is getting a workout. Harry and Ron are like the proverbial fly on the wall every place they go. Too bad for Hagrid and Dumbledore that they wouldn't fit under the cloak when magic-school politics erupted in Hagrid's house.

There are two kinds of politicians: those who react and make poor decisions, and those who act decisively to gain control of the ones who react. Cornelius Fudge is the former, Lucius Malfoy is the latter. It can't be good for any of the good-guy characters that Malfoy has shown himself to be most powerful.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: Chapter 15

As big and creepy-crawly as Aragog and family are, I could handle that a lot better than a room full of you-know-what. That was quite an adventure Harry and Ron took into the forest even if Ron feels the same way about spiders as Indiana Jones does about snakes.

Now they know where the car is in case they need it again, they know Hagrid didn't open the Chamber (but they still don't know who did) and now they have a witness - good old Moaning Myrtle.

I wonder how soon Hermione will be able to rejoin the case. Maybe Professor Gilderoy Lockhart and his award-winning smile could help. Then again he'd be about as much help as Dobby.

Speak Dumbledore, speak

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: Chapter 10

A lot of words are thrown around that Harry doesn't know because of his Muggle upbringing. It's good that these words have to be explained to Harry because it in turn explains them to me. Git was used to describe GilLo (that's Gilderoy Lockhart for anyone new to this blog), but I had not heard that word before. I asked my daughter Michelle who said, "You could Google it." So she did, and says that a git is a foolish or a contemptible person.

I agree with Ron that GilLo is a brainless git. Either that or he is playing the fool to keep us off guard like Quirrell did. Whatever that case, at least he's somebody to laugh at.

On to more important things. Our detectives get GilLo to get them the potions book, a possessed Bludger nearly kills Harry, Harry catches the Snitch anyway, GilLo is worse than a first-year at fixing Harry's broken arm, Dobby the masochist makes more admissions of guilt and Colin is petrified.

All that to lead us to Dumbledore revealing that the Chamber of Secrets has indeed been opened. I don't think it's a coincidence that he said it so Harry could hear it.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: Chapter 11

Allowing GilLo to start a dueling club will undoubtedly go down as one of Dumbledore's poorest decisions. Everything this guy tries sets magic back a thousand years. He should have his wand license revoked and be made Filch's apprentice.

Now everyone knows that Harry is a snake charmer. Seeing him talk to a snake would freak me out almost as much as a black cat following me around the castle would. There's obviously a setup going on to make Harry look like the heir.

Now he's being taken to Dumbledore, who seems to be a true ally for Harry. Maybe Harry will get some answers about the Chamber.

Yesterday I was beginning to get a bit bored with this book, but today was like a good rally in a game of Quidditch. I'm looking forward to the second half.

Gilderoy the Great

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: Chapter 6

I'm sure Gilderoy Lockhart would be tickled to know an entire chapter was named in his honor.

But before we deal with GilLo, lets deal with the Howler and the Mandrakes. The Howler gets the point across to Ron, but I would urge all parents not to embarrass your child in this way. And those of you that garden, I would leave the Mandrakes to someone else.

As for GilLo, it will be interesting to see how his story progresses. He certainly didn't seem to know what he was doing when he let the pixies loose. I can see Ron and Hermione arguing endlessly about this.

GilLo is as full of himself as ... I can't really think of anyone to compare him to. He has set a new standard for self-promotion. And the things he assumes and says to Harry are ridiculous. When he said Harry was a tad big-headed, I LOLed. Oh well, GilLo does provide comic relief, and they could sure use a touch of that at Hogwarts this school year. Everybody is so tense.

By the way, I hear GilLo will be signing the first page of his chapter at Flourish and Blotts on all the big book-shopping days from here to eternity.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: Chapter 7

Like I said, everybody is so tense.

• Wood is obsessed beyond reason with the pursuit of the Quidditch crown.
• Colin and GilLo are driving Harry batty.
• Ron wants to slug Malfoy (no pun intended).
• We haven't seen Snape in a while, but surely he's mad at someone.

Not sure what the significance of the voice is that Harry heard. Seems strange that GilLo didn't hear it. GilLo is quite a character, but he's obviously hiding something. And isn't it odd that someone of his fame wants to spend so much time with Harry. There's something going on here, because under normal circumstances GilLo would be perfectly happy spending time alone with his favorite person - himself.

The story takes flight

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: Chapter 3

Do you find it odd that the Dursleys want to keep Harry around? You would think they would rather be rid of him and the accompanying magic that spooks them. Blood, I suppose, is thicker than magic. That's my only explanation for Vernon hanging on to Harry's leg over a window sill.

Malfoy should see the Weasleys now, flying around in a car. I'll bet Malfoy doesn't have one. Even James Bond has never been given a flying car by Q that I can remember. If Dudley saw it, he's probably demanding one right now.

Anyway, it was good of the Weasleys to break out Harry The Wizard like he was Billy The Kid and fly him to the Weasley homestead. It's a strange-sounding place, but it sure beats Privet Prison.

When the Weasleys are done de-gnoming the garden I could point them toward some yards that could use a little de-gnoming and general de-lawn ornamenting.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: Chapter 4

Like a dusting of Floo powder I'm already well into the second book. Traveling through chimneys certainly doesn't seem like the only way to go. Seems like one of those things you do once to say you did it.

The Weasleys are about as nice and selfless as they can be, but I have feeling Professor Gilderoy Lockhart sees only himself when he looks into the Mirror of Erised. I just might have to work "Magical Me" into my summer schedule.

Our friends are going to have to learn that the Malfoys aren't worth listening to. Now we know where Draco gets it. The rotten apple didn't fall far from the tree.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: Chapter 5

Why couldn't Harry and Ron make it onto platform nine and three quarters? Who cast that spell? It can't be a coincidence.

But hey, they got to fly in the car again even if it was a long and uncomfortable flight. Ron does need to work on his parking skills. It's usually a good idea to avoid trees, especially ones that try to beat you up. Who knew they'd hit turbulence after landing.

Snape just can't wait to get Harry expelled. You'd think he would have softened a little after Harry's heroics at keeping the Sorcerer's Stone away from Voldemort. But he probably hasn't found a seeker who can compete with Harry and win back the house cup.

Now that school has started, the real story begins.